A Growing Baby – Joy and Sadness

My little Monkey is growing up.
Alright, he’s not quite 10 months old. But if you now have or have ever had a baby, you know that in this moment he seems like a grown up boy already.

I remember when he was just a few weeks old and Hubby went back to work. Monkey was wrapped in a blanket, nestled in the curve of his nursing pillow beside me on the couch. I was in my jammies with a coffee, the laptop, and some morning TV to keep us company. I looked at his tiny little face and said, “Can you believe it, Monkey? We get to do this every day for a whole year!”. I felt elated and so fortunate, as the whole year stretched out before us like an eternity. I knew that so many milestones would be accomplished in that time and we would experience so much together. I looked forward to the play dates, the Mommy groups, the naps, the errands, and imagining it all unfolding before me.

Now, 10 months later, I am filled with an aching sadness that this time is almost over. In just two months my baby will turn one and not long after that I will return to work. There will be less play dates, few Mommy groups, and, worst of all, I may miss something. I know, I know. We will be fine. We will get into a new routine and it will work itself out. I know I will cherish our evenings and weekends and holidays together. I know that most Moms return to work and most children attend daycare and even enjoy it and we will make it through this transition relatively unscathed. But this “knowledge” doesn’t mend my heart that, at the mere thought of this (which weighs more heavily on my mind as the days go by), breaks into a thousand pieces. He’s my buddy, my pal, my son, my baby. We have literally spent every waking moment together (and most sleeping ones, too). In the rare times we have been apart I have felt like I am missing an appendage.

He is no longer my tiny little boy. At birth he weighed 6 lbs 1 oz. My teeny tiny nugget is now a crawling, standing, cruising, babbling, eating, laughing, strong-willed boy. I love him more now than I did yesterday and the day before that and I know this will continue for the rest of our lives. While I love watching him develop and learn new things and as I look forward to the future to see what his life holds in store for him, I can’t help but also mourn the loss of the early days. Monkey has started to wean himself off breastfeeding, and while I know this makes it easier in the long run and it is, of course, necessary at some point, it also breaks my heart.

Where has the time gone?
Some days I can’t wait to see what lies ahead, and other days I would give anything to turn back time, just a little, so I could re-live these moments over again.

Better yet, I’d win the lottery and stay home with him.

Comments, friends? Please do not offer me advice, I’m not looking for that, but rather your own thoughts and feelings of YOUR experiences.

Thanks
Mel

2 Comments

  • Sniff, sniff! My sentiments exactly!! I feel your pain. I wish I could stay home and spend every moment with by buddy. Unfortunately the lottery still evades me too. I look forward to the work days of spending time with adults having adult conversations and getting back into the routine of things.I miss my friends and will love seeing them everyday, but my buddy won't be there and it breaks my heart too. I looked toward the year at home and wondered if I could spend a WHOLE year at home doing nothing. Time has flown by quickly and I was SOO wrong about the nothing! There is always something to do even if it's a nap or a play time. I constantly question about whether this is the right choice, if I have picked the best place for him when I do go back and now the question of returning a month earlier or waiting. Don't know if I will ever find the "right" answer or an answer that will soothe my heart, but alas, I must decide. I know my buddy will always be in my thoughts every moment and I hope I'm in his until the day is over and we can be together. 🙂
    ~Ashley

  • As a Mom who has already been back to work for awhile I can say that I dreaded that first day! I felt like I could cry when I dropped her off and had to go. I luckily was leaving her with my mother in law (who is a babysitter) so that was a litle easier. Even though you don't want your child to cry when you leave them… I was sad that she didn't as to me it was like she didn't miss or want me. Even though I know this is crazy somewhere deep down I still wanted this. My beatiful angel does so well and loves playing with the other kids which makes my heart happy. Even now that she has a new babysitter for some of the time. I have learned that she is adaptable and is not sad when Mommy leaves because she knows that Mommy will always come back and get her when the day is done 🙂

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