Updating my OS (*update in progress*)

Whoa – it’s been almost 4 months since I’ve written! It isn’t that I have nothing to say (just ask anyone who knows me) but I often struggle with putting together a piece that is interesting, cathartic, and appropriate for all to read.

So here is tonight’s stream of consciousness…

I am an introspective person and I am constantly looking inward to examine my own thoughts, motives, and actions. This can often lead to unnecessary emotional pain (ask my Hubby how often I compare others’ actions to my own to see if I caused a situation or could have made it better or different. Do all women do this? And do all men just deal with a situation then move on and away from it? I often seem so trapped by thinking and talking myself in circles!). 
I am certain, though, that this also makes me a better person. I know a lot of people who are stagnant with themselves. That is to say that they are content. That’s alright, I guess. But if you think about it, my iPhone (and all devices) need constant upgrading. We get new vehicles every so often because we need change it up. Our address books need updating. We update our wardrobes. So why is it that we think the first version of ourselves, “Me 1.0” if you will, is alright as is? Don’t we need constant updates, too?


Despite what we’d like to believe we cannot truly change other people. We are all dealt a hand and we can only decide how WE play our cards. Whether we play an ace or a five, a spade or a heart, will certainly affect the next player so we must choose our cards carefully, but we cannot control what we were dealt nor what the next player plays. All we can do is see the impact our play has on the next player and then the one after that and reflect on whether or not we will make a similar play the next hand or change tactics altogether. I am actually quite crappy at doing this in cards! I am so focused on my own hand and what I will play that I often forget to watch my opponents. Hm…I wonder if that’s why my follow-up in my business needs work, too?

I have spent a lot of time trying to be like others. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think that’s always a bad thing. But I felt myself (and still do – I am forever a work in progress) actually ignoring my own opinions and thoughts and agreeing with those around me simply to be agreeable. I didn’t stand up for myself in situations in which I knew I was right because I wanted to be perceived as amicable and I wanted to be well liked. The thing is, by doing this, I may have had many solid acquaintances who had perfectly fine thoughts of me, but I didn’t actually love myself as much as I could have. I thought I did, at the time, but it’s now when I look back that I realize I rather lost sight of myself. 

Recently I have made some new friends (Yay me! Don’t laugh – we should always look for new friends. Us military spouses, in particular, are always on the hunt!) that are exactly the type of people who make me just comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I am my best me around them and learn things from them each time I see them (which is saying something since I’ve only known them for about 3 weeks!). I need to remember that feeling when I am in the company of those who don’t give me that same vibe. I need to focus my energy on nurturing relationships with those types of friends and family and not focus so much on creating and nurturing false relationships. 

The big question is: Why bother thinking about this at all? Why bother with this introspection stuff when I could let everything roll off me? I could assume the best of myself 100% of the time. I could be the duck and you could be the water on my back.

Well….many answers come to mind, but here are the top three:

3. I sleep better at night. Seriously.
2. I love the person I see in the mirror.
1. I have a little 2 1/2 year old boy who is watching my every move. I want to raise him to love himself but I also want to empower him. He needs to understand that some things we cannot change but there are many things we can and you can be a much happier, fulfilled, well-rested person if you update your operating system as often as your iPhone does!

Nothing escapes him!

Well friends and strangers of the internet – that’s all I’ve got for today. As always, I welcome your thoughts, reactions and comments in the section below. Although I rarely get any, one can always hope.

Have a great evening – and Happy Canada Day tomorrow!

Mel 🙂

1 Comment

  • I have just found this post and thought it needed a comment 🙂

    I have had many of these same thoughts. I have recently decided to try letting things go that I cannot control. I find it hard but it has made me more peaceful. I fight with the feeling of not being as helpful to others this way but as you have mentioned there is nothing I can do to change THEM, only me and my reactions to them. I wish I would stand up more often then I do but am working on this still. Those of us who know you do appreciate your forward nature in saying what you feel and know. I hope that I am someone you can be yourself around 🙂 I like coffeeing with you and Monkey.


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